Collect Your Specs of Light

If you’re feeling like you’re in free fall into a bottomless darkness and you seem to be going further and further away from the light, this is for you. Although it isn’t a new idea, seeing it from this perspective gave me clarity in dealing with my pain. So here it goes.

While struggling with my own darkness and moments of depression, I knew the first step in dealing with it is finding the best way in describing it. Describing your feelings in those moments might be the hardest thing you’ll have to do, because it forces you to face your denial and to not allow yourself to prolong that sweet time when things aren’t decided yet. But in order to find the right way to fix yourself, you must first name those feelings. We all suffer in a different way therefore we all need a different approach to heal.

I felt heavy. Having heavy feet, feeling a huge weight on my chest, feeling like is hard to stand on my two feet and face the sky. Feeling very tired and lost somewhere in the dark, the future looked very grim. I almost thought I should get used to this feeling if I want to survive this.

But then, like it always seems to happen when I feel like giving up, my subconscious hit me, while doing my routine walk in nature, with a new theory. A new way of seeing things that might help me in dealing with my sadness. I am used to think in terms of processes to feed my need for logic (left brain), but most of the time I also need metaphors and art to be able to visualise my goals. So a new way of seeing things I already knew, a new metaphor to express my feelings helped me to see the way I should take to mend myself.

I felt so heavy and this weight was keeping me from getting out from that darkness and go towards the warm light which seemed to go further away from me everyday. That light is my metaphor of a place where I feel safe and stable and positive about my future.  The more I was obsessing with the distance between me and my light, the heavier I felt. I was falling deeper in that darkness and I just couldn’t seem to find a way to connect myself with any positive vision of my future.

Then it just came to me. It is not about making yourself stronger to carry your weight towards that light. It’s about making yourself lighter.

What is making me feel lighter? What could help me drop down this weight little by little? My answer was so simple, I felt embarrassed I didn’t see it before. The moments when I feel the lightest is when I felt the most connected to myself. Those short moments when I really observe the world around me and see there is kindness in everybody, those moments when I remember to enjoy my small victories, those moments when I look forward to something even as small as an ice cream or a talk with a friend. Those moments when I allow to look at myself through the eyes of a friend.

Those moments when I focus on right now. And sometimes right now is all that matters.

So I made up my strategy, my process of collecting these small moments or as I like to call them now, small specs of light. This visualisation made it look like a fun game to do everyday, to collect tiny moments which I transform into tiny specs of light. Little by little it became easier to stand on my two feet and be kinder to myself.

The more specs of light I collected, the lighter I felt. Lighter and brighter. Until another moment of clarity came to me. By collecting all these specs of light everyday, I was becoming the light I was obsessing about. I was creating the future I wanted so desperately to live in by building the confidence that I can find and collect my specs of light everyday no matter where I am. 

In the end, we are all made of stardust. We are all made of light. This is our true nature and all the experiences we go through are meant to remind us that. To remind us of our main need: to feed ourselves with bright moments.

Although I still have a long way to go, my only advice to you, my fellow partner in this darkness, is:

Don’t forget to collect your specs of light everyday to feed the light within yourself.